Nightmare.

I lost my mom two days ago.

I can't even believe I just typed that.

At 11 PM on Friday evening, I got one of THOSE phone calls.

Mike & I were just getting ready to head to bed when my cell sounded. I could see from the caller ID that it was my Dad's cell, and he had NEVER called me before (his cell was for emergency use only).

He told me that Mom had been rushed the emergency room after experiencing shortness of breath. Then he had to get off the phone almost immediately because the doctors wanted to talk to him, but he asked me to call my sisters & brother to let them know what was going on.

While I was playing phone tag with a few of them, Megan was able to reach me & ask if I'd been able to talk to Dad again.

I could hear the pain in her voice and knew what was coming.

"Mom didn't make it," she choked out.

And my entire world crashed around me like a house of cards.

Since then, I've been in a fog of shock, disbief, anger, regret, guilt, and just plain devastation.

But I've also been wrapped in the arms of loving family and friends, including my siblings, who understand the depth of my personal loss; my grandparents, who are so numb to have lost their first child; my aunts, who have lost their oldest sister; and my dad, whose despair at losing his wife and best friend of 37 years I can't even begin to fathom. Without each other, I don't think any of us would be surviving right now.

None of that, though, changes the fact that I will never talk to her about my day at work again, or smile as Aiden & Nolan hug her when we arrive for a visit...

...or that this growing child in my belly will never know PooPoo.

So far, mornings are the worst, which is probably why I'm sitting in front of this screen. I just can't make sense of it all.

I can't breathe without feeling like someone is standing on my chest.

And I just want my mommy.